Small and Silly Animal Jokes
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A frog walks into a bank and goes to the
teller. Her name tag read "Patricia Whack". The frog says,"My name is Kermit
Jagar and I would like to take out a loan for $10,000
please."
The teller looks at him and says, "And what
do you have for
collateral?" The frog hands her a pink, glass
elephant.
The teller said, "I'm going to have to speak with my manager about
this."
So she walks into the manager's office and
says, "Sir, there's a frog out here named Kermit Jagar who wants to take out a
loan for $10,000 and he gave me this for collateral." And she handed him the
elephant.
The manager looked at the elephant, then
at her and said,"It's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old
man's a Rolling Stone!"
(submitted by Jim
Sewell)
Q.What kind of foot wear did Lester buy his frog for the summer?
A. Open toad.
Stanford called the vet, "Doctor, you've got to come right over! My
pet
pig just ate the TV remote control!"
"I'll be right there." "
Thanks, but what do I do in the meantime?"
The vet said, "Read a magazine."
Jim's Webletter 12/20/99
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the
first one.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some
lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of
worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said
the
first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said
the
second.
"O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and
gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."
---- Jim's Webletter 12/20/99
A Teacher's Story
One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was
trying to accumulate building materials for his home. She read, "And
so the
pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
'pardon
me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused and asked the class, "And what do you think that
man
said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, I know, he said, "Hey cool!
A
talking pig!!
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye
exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the
optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a
leopard,
aren't you?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My
wife is
a zebra."
Jim's
WebLetter for 3/12/99
The Mayor of Wiarton runs into the vet's office carrying
Wiarton Willie, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put
the gopher down on the examination table. The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the Mayor that
Willie, regrettably is dead.
The Mayor, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and
comes out with a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and
barks. The vet looks at the Mayor and says, "I'm sorry, but
the Lab thinks Willie is dead too."
The Mayor is still unwilling to accept that Willie is dead. So
the vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to
the gopher's body. The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail, poking and sniffing the gopher's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at The Mayor
and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks that Willie is
dead, too."
The Mayor, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet
and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.00."
"$650.00 to tell me that Wiarton Willie is dead?!" exclaims
the Mayor.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50.00
for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600.00 was for the
Cat Scan and the Lab Tests".
(Submitted by Nadya Bolotin, Diamond
Bar, CA)
A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye
exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the
optometrist,"I see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard,
aren't you?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is
a zebra."
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining; the day is young; we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
* Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
* Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
* Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he
finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
* Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!
* Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants do it.
* Lab: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
* Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
* Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
* Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
* Hound dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
* Chihauhua: Yo quiero, Taco Bulb.
* Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
* Pointer: I see it! There it is! Right there!
* Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
* Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
* Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just
ate was a light bulb?
* Cocker spaniel: Why change it? I can still go on the carpet in the
dark.
--Sent by Harry O., Oregon
Courtesy of Angel Animals newsletter 5/3/99
Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, whose name was
John. He would call out, "Here, John," and then bridle his horse.
One
day while going through this routine he said, "Here, John," and, to his
surprise, the horse turned around and spoke. He said, "All these days
you have walked in here and said, "Here, John," and I'm tired of it!"
And with that, the horse took off running!
Shocked, the owner took off running after the horse trying to catch it,
and so did his dog. After awhile the man became tired and stopped to
rest at the side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his
face as his dog, also breathless, sat down beside him. The man wondered
aloud, "I ain't never heard a horse talk before!"
"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.
( Courtesy of Jim's WebLetter 3/5/99 jim@jimonline.com
)
Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
10. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95
9. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
8. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
7. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
6. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
5. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-
wagging.
4. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
Thumb.
3. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
2. Barking in next cubical keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.
And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[R,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
A man was driving down the street and stopped at a
traffic light. The man in the car next to him said, "Do you know you have two
penguins in the backseat?" The driver of the car turned around, and sure enough, a
couple of penguins were sitting there quietly.
"What should I do with them?" the driver asked the man in car next to him.
"Take them to the zoo," the man answered and drove off.
The next day, the two drivers found themselves stopped at the same
traffic light. The driver of the second car noticed the penguins where still in the first
man's car.
"Didn't you them to the zoo?" he asked.
"Sure did!" the first man answered. "And today we're going to the
pool!"